They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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