call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
