i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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