i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
