Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
