I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
