last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
