I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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