Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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