The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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