just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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