You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
