Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he puts the penis in happiness.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
