apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
