On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
