bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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