Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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