He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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