just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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