ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
