Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
