I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
