apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
