You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
All I want is dick and wine.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
