Just fell off a train. Bad.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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