I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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