went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
