If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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