the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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