Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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