Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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