my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
