there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
