We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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