you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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