Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
