talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
