Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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