xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
