I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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