Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
