I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
