Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
