I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
