I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
