Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
