I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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