just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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