My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
