My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
