ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
