Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i came on her dog
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
